1) Orlando Already Won. For the first time since Shaq's Junior season in the mid-90's the Magic are back in the Finals. To get there, they defeated the defending champion Boston Celtics (obligatory asterisk of no KG) AND the heavily-favored Cleveland LeBron James. No one expected them to beat topple those foes, much less the Lakers, and no one is going to be upset with them even if they get swept. They've accomplished far more than they anticipated this season, and it showed in their lackluster defense and general sloth Thursday night.
2) No Ringless Lakers Deserve It. The list of LA Lakers worthy of a title reads: Phil Jackson (9 rings), Kobe Bryant (3), and the case could be made for Derek Fisher (3), who has enjoyed surprising success considering his embodiment of PG mediocrity. Past that, THERE IS NO LIST. Pau Gasol is a post presence in the style of Eric Piatowski. Lamar Odom is the most unreliable player since Brian Washington. Luke Walton is, god forbid, a Walton. Then, I think they have 3 more point guards worse than Derek Fisher and Tracy Morgan standing on Vern Troyer. Not that Orlando fares much better in this regard, but Patrick Ewing is listed on their roster as an assistant coach. He alone is more deserving than the entire Staples Center minus dancers.
3) Violations Are Not Enforced. I have two calls in mind: charging and illegal screens. Charging seems to be called only if a perimeter player is driving the lane or if a post player is battling inside. Why isn't it called when any offensive player dislodges their immobile defender? A topical example is Kobe Bryant backing down whichever poor sap is assigned to guard him, creating a few feet of space to hike up a turn around J. While it looks pretty, the defender's position was clearly manipulated by 24's initiation of physical contact. TWEET. Next up is the screen. I can't quote directly, but I believe a screen is illegal if the screener's movement provides an advantage to the oh-ffensive player. Now, maybe NBA officials are unable to discern movement (it helps explain the continuation rule), but I approximate that 90% of NBA screens feature movement of an illegal fashion. The worst part is, the NBA is teaching generations of children that power forwards operate like offensive tackles and I have to deal with them acting all Antonio Gates-y. That analogy wasn't very strong, but you get the point.
4) Where's The NBA Been For The Last 8 Months? Thanks to an awesome new TV, I was blessed with the gift of free cable for a month before Comcast got wise and shut it off. During that time, I got to watch the NBA basically every night, and could even cycle between a couple different games at times. However, upon rejoining the poor, cable-deprived masses I realized that the NBA does not exist on network television. Even during the playoffs no more than two games per week were shown, and those were always on Sunday. Unless my math fails me, there are 15 best-of-seven series in the NBA playoffs, and of those potential 100+ games I got to see, like, 10. Go to hell. The best basketball of the season has already been played, just ask the Bulls and Celtics.
5) The Van Gundys are Insufferable. Jeff Van Gundy is a so-so coach with an annoying voice and a propensity to make ridiculous statements during games for shock value. I bet if you put him and Bill Walton in the booth together you could a) make a sitcom and b) repel alien invaders. My favorite is when he affirms his affection for the hip-hops because it makes him feel so street. His brother, Stan Van Gundy, is a so-so coach that looks like a porn star, and not the good kind. In fact, he's such a good coach that his assistant had to privately tell him, "Gimme the map, Scott." (Pro Tip: For that last sentence, change "good" to "bad," "assistant" to "star player," "privately" to "in the post-game press conference," "him" to "the world," and "map" to "Goddamn ball"). Put them together and you have a winning recipe for me jumping off a balcony.
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1 comment:
Your attack of the Van Gundys is unwarranted, but I loved it man. I hope to see you on the blog more.
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