Casual Friday

Shooting the breeze with Just South of North's Brandon Hansen, he dropped a desire to have a Manny Ramirez jersey sent to him, wear it to work and refuse to do anything. For anyone around the office who was sports-savvy enough to catch on, Brandon could blame his not wanting to work on a bum knee, carpal tunnel or writer's block. When tests for the former two came back negative and the latter not really being a part of his job description, he would then be transferred to another firm, immediately start performing and then demand way more than he's worth, ultimately getting it.

Being unemployed, I figured I could spend a day as Stephon Marbury, convincing everyone I gave a resume to that I was way better at everything than I actually was, get hired, and immediately perform like a low-tier janitor, copy editor or office assistant. Then I would claim I was unhappy with the way the company treated me, sit out until I was transferred, come back and really do nothing for my new firm. Awesome. "Oh, I told you I could type 120 WPM and knew Microsoft Excel like it was the pick and roll? I'm really a 55 WPM employee who can't open a Word document. You're still giving me full-time work or I'm quitting on you."

Since this sounds like the perfect preface to a Top 10 List of Athletes You Could Spend the Day at Work as, here are eight more athletes to show up to work as, complete with how to pull it off.

Lance Armstrong. You think work is an uphill battle for you? Make it even more so and get yourself a yellow biker's jersey and be the best at what you do as long as you're in the building. Sure, people may accuse you of fudging your work to enhance your performance, but as long as they can't prove it, who cares? To really rile people up in the office, retire for a year or two, then come back. People will loathe you, knowing that they immediately just lost any chance they had of retaining their Employee of the Month status and they'll try to have you banned from the premises forever. For those of you who are really dedicated, part with either James Westphal or Dr. Kenneth Noisewater. That's not really necessary, but it shows a lot of ... uh ... character?

Alex Rodriguez. Isn't there an office pariah at all large companies? By wearing a pinstriped #13 jersey to work, you'll be admitting that nobody likes you and you'll pretend like you don't care. Like Armstrong, you'll be one of the best at what you do and, like Armstrong, you may or may not take a little out of the cashier's till when nobody's looking. Unlike Lance, however, you'll lie about it until it's proven in black and white, thanks to a newly-installed security camera, that you did screw the company over. Then you'll offer fake apologies, with zero regret, hoping to brush the incident under the rug. You insist that you haven't done that for years, but your co-workers and supervisors know better. Bonus points to anyone who runs into work and slaps the coffee out of someone's hand.

Kurt Warner. You've been at your current job for a couple of years, but you just took some hot-shot's position and now you make the big decisions. Nobody around you has more than a couple years of experience in your field, but under the guidance of you and Jesus Christ, you can become Scranton to everyone else's Ithaca. Go into work and become a vocal leader, make choices that nobody else can make (deliver mail by air instead of on the ground, maybe buy new office chairs, especially for guys named Matt) and lead by example. If you're scoring some of the biggest clients of the year, eventually you'll make the people around you better and your company will exceed all expectations.

Jean Van de Velde. Get to work and set up an appointment. Try to reel in one of the top four clients in the world. Smooth talkin' and not missing with anything you say or do, you surprise everyone and are in position to seal the deal. After verbally getting the OK and needing just a signature to sign a huge contract, start doing everything in your power to sabotage what you worked so hard for. Insult his tacky tie. Look at a family picture with his 14-year-old daughter in it and tell him you think she's hot. Force his hand to the paper and try to make him sign the contract yourself. Get a hold of yourself and calm down, while another employee comes in to steal it from you. Even though you're both in the room with him, you're screwed and you know it. Just give up and find another profession.

Pete Rose. You need to establish yourself within your company by spending about 15 years at the same place. During the dog days of August, suggest breaking up the monotony of a work week by having an inter-office softball game. As if it's not spiced up enough, find someone who's willing to show you the color of their money to make it more interesting. Never mind that you're one of the highest-paid employees at your firm ... gambling makes everything more fun, even if it is unethical and illegal. Those Employee of the Month awards look good in hindsight, but being immortalized and recognized as one of the most influential people in the history of the industry would be nice too. Don't hold your breath waiting on that phone call though.

Kevin Garnett. That high school diploma is really paying off, until you're stuck as the boss of Minneapolis' best McDonald's for 12 years. However, despite your fierce loyalty to the home of the Big Mac, White Castle comes along and tells you that they just recruited Seattle's best burger boy to go along with their own and the three of you could work together to make the greatest burgers in America (and Toronto). Be like KG and make the jump. It could be the best thing to ever happen to your career. Hey, don't laugh. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!

Any NASCAR driver. (Note: I'm not even going to try to poke fun at one of them. I don't like any of them. If, for some reason, you own a Cheerios-sponsored jumpsuit, don't forget it when you leave your trailer on the way to work. If not, go get one. It's worth it. Almost.) Show up to work at 1 in the afternoon. Sit down on your wheelie chair and make circles around cubicles, always turning left, for about four hours, or 200 laps, whichever comes first. Be sure to have spare screws and wheels on hand for when you have to fix the inevitable loose wheel after taking a turn too wide and ending up in a wall. Once you achieve your goal, awkwardly stand up from your chair, do a backflip from it if you feel inclined, then immediately pour a gallon of milk all over yourself, yelling the entire time. For good measure, on your way back to your desk, spin around a few times before coming to a stop.

John Rocker. Come on ... you weren't hired to make friends with co-workers, rivals, mailmen or supervisors. You were hired to get the job done and that's it. Get to work and get down to business. If anyone talks to you or suggests that you could improve your work, immediately call them a fag or poke fun at their race. As they walk out scarred for the day, flip them off and maybe spit at them. Maintain from that point on that you did nothing wrong and refuse to apologize. After spending a couple years with the company, disappear without a trace. If you're cross-eyed, this works perfectly. If you're a hockey fan, buy a Sean Avery jersey wait another nine months, then re-read this section.